Cruel Seperation
Hearts bleed with friendly affection,
From the wounds of inevitable separation.
Ah! cruel fate that does bring two together,
At a time when each cared not for the other
And when the souls merged in friendship profound,
Whisks one away from sight and sound.
What evil joy does lie there-in,
For isn't separation of friends incomparable sin?
Tears do spring when one wonders thus
And it does seem to be an unfortunate loss.
Hold on! Hold on, with spirit and courage,
Until the unfavorable winds do rage.
Surely, years of separation are fleeting brief
Like the water droplet on a lotus leaf.
1 comment:
Interesting start. :)
I think, what I'd suggest, is sticking to a particular rhythm pattern, if you're going for a rhyme scheme. Like, the line that starts "Hold on!..." doesn't have the same meter as the next line, which is slightly jarring. And you could actually find some better words for that, like nonplus or flush...
I'd also say that I personally feel that the 'ending' is rather abrupt, incomplete, so to speak. But, I guess it's poetry, it's different for different people. :)
Don't be discouraged by the fact that I sound so critical; I think it's one of the better attempts I've read, in recent times. :) More!
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